The Real Story
by Ignored Genius
Summary: Not meant to be insulting! When a strange and perfect woman shows up at the Musain, the Amis must take action to rid themselves of this problem.


**Dear Readers.**

**In retaliation to all the Mary-Sue fics floating about in my shared and well loved fandoms, I have written this; it is not pointed directly at anyone, I thought of this a long time ago, don't feel subjugated. Though I must warn you, read and beware fluffy and unloved people for you may find this insulting, vulgar, mean spirited and a general outrage! In which case you may have a severe need of funny in your diet, I suggest more fiber. **

**_MAYBE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR ENOUGH!? But this is total parody. All mistakes are here are on purpose(have I ever mispelled things in my other stories?) to add to the effect. Jeez, it is purely for shits and giggles. Eat more Fiber~I.G_**

**The REAL Story**

Feuilly was walking gleefully down the street on his way to work unsuspecting and loving life, possibly whistling a merry tune when he heard a sobbing sound down a dark and dank alley way; dank because back in those days, you threw your waste out the window. As I was saying, he heard this pitiful sound and went to investigate.

"Hello?" He asked poking his head around the corner, "Is something wrong?" Before he could utter anything else, the sobbing thing responded to his concern by grabbing him by his worn jacket and pulling him into the alley; out of sight of any human eyes and scared silly.

It had begun.

"Has anyone seen Feuilly recently?" Combeferre asked once everyone, minus Junior Amis Member Gavroche and Part Time Barricade Boy Marius. "Not since the last meeting." Enjolras replied stoically, thoughtlessly flipping through papers "Probably just staying late to finish his work. Helping old ladies cross the street. . . Getting dinner . . . sleeping off a hangover. . . Killed in a knife fight. . . ."

"It's not like him to miss a meeting." The doctor muttered deciding to ignore the last comment as Enjolras proceeded with the assembly despite its severe lack of Polish boy.

"Now, last time we discussed differentiating political views, ultimately leading to a Buonapartist Boy smack down, who would like to start us off--."

They heard a slow and dainty step on the stairs accompanied by a _wump-wump_as normal people walk. All eyes turned to the door as it opened revealing the missing Fuielly and a strange woman with _les cheveux rousse et les yeux vert_ that they all did not recognize. The young polish man raised his eyes, which were glassy and unfocused towards the other men.

"_Bonjour, Mon Amis!" _He cried just as gleefully as he was walking earlier in the story. "_Je présente ma sœur, _Marie-Escamilla-Carmencita-_Merde_-Valjeaniqua-Leanne-Suzette de Quanidoaifjdle"

His glassy eyes swept over them, not perceiving them or understanding what he had just said. The young woman (whom we will describe in unnecessary detail later) stepped forward, nearly shoving shell-of-a-man Feuilly down the stairs in order to curtsy.

"What do you think you're doing?" Enjolras cried outraged, "You know we don't allow women in these meetings!" he sent a sideways glare in her direction.

"I know, but…" he stared at his supposed 'sister' with his blank face "Isn't she just too beautiful to be left out of all the fun?"

"FUN!? You think this is supposed to be fun?! Have you completely lost it!?"

"Feuilly… Are you quite alright?" Joly asked, concerned by the lack of color in his face and his blank expression.

"_Oui._" He said blandly; face unchanging and barely moving his lips.

"Hang on, isn't your sister in Poland?" Unable to have attention not focused entirely on her, -Marie-Escamilla-Carmencita-_Merde_-Valjeaniqua-Leanne-Suzette de Quanidoaifjdle stepped forward and decided it was time for the inevitable describing part of all sues stories.

"I have, like, blonde hair that falls in delicate curls around my itsty-bitsty-teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini waist."

Les Amis minus shell-of-a-man Fuielly shared a collected "Huh?"

"Wasn't your hair red when you walked in?" Jehan asked terribly confused.

"Like, watevs." She replied flipping her straight brown hair over her shoulder. "Like, I have the most beautiful and thoughtful brown eyes. I'm the sweetest, most tender, most awesome, and most beautiful and most modest and most wonderful and most skinny and-and-and" Choked up by her own self absorption, she broke down weeping. "I'm just so perfect!" Tears spilled from her blue eyes while the Amis shared confused looks.

"I'm sure that's all very true, but I believe my friend-"

"_Mon ami_" Fuielly corrected smugly.

"Right. _Mon Ami_ mentioned we don't allow woman in here…?"

"Wat! I'm not just a woman, I'm a fighter!" She drew her tiny self to its meager height, seeing as women did not grow tall at all due to poor diet.

"You have no idea! I lived on the streets of Paris! Where I my little brother died! And I had to fight to survive and, like, stuff. Totally."

"Uh, there are several holes in your story." Combeferre began, "Your 'brother' is standing next to you." She threw her arms around Fuielly's neck and began to cry… again. "I thought you died!" she then proceeded to try and rip his head off much like a praying mantis.

"Hmm-mm, I'm sure." Enjolras rolled his eyes. "On top of being perfect you're tough to the core." He took a deep cleansing breath, "Get out."

"Don't you want me in your group?"

"No."

"As your friend?"

"No."

"As your best friend?"

"Taken." Combeferre said.

"In your home, cooking meals?"

"No."

"… In your bed?"

"NO!!"

"In your life at all?"

"I hate to be rude, but I would sell my soul if I could never, ever see your freaky changing face ever again."

Tears once more brewed and fell from her blonde eyes as she swung her violet hair back and fourth. "You don't love me, Enjy?"

"I'm starting to hate you, actually." He glared pointedly.

"…I'm now pregnant with your child.

Enjolras' eyes widened and he took several steps back. "Huh!?" he squeaked, "how?"

"When you glared at me, you impregnated me with the Anti-Christ."

The blonde's mouth opened and shut soundlessly as he tried to make sense of all this. "That's not how it works." Combeferre said looking at her over the rim of his glasses. "Not how it works at all!" he reassured the blonde.

"It is too!" she stomped her foot. At that moment, in what seemed like a matter of moments, she went from itty bitty to 8 months pregnant. "Oh no! My water just broke!" The Amis stood still as statues.

"You're all supposed to rush me to a hospital and I'm supposed to have a still birth!"

The Amis looked at each other.

Just as fast as she was pregnant and going into labor she once more skinny and little.

"Gosh, that was hard, losing Enjolras' love and the baby? My life is sooo terrible!" She wept some more.

"I've had my fill of you, missy!" cried Enjolras, more furious then ever, "Who do you think you are that you can barge in, brainwash one of our own, and demand attention from everyone by _getting pregnant _all in.." he checked his watch "7 minutes?"

"… Why Enjolras, don't you remember? I'm your wife! We have three children; Jessica, Skyler and Antoinette. All boys."

"**Stop it**!! **Stop it**!! Damnation, get out!" he covered his ears and repeated in his head 'I'm chaste I'm chaste I'm chaste... .'

Once he had sufficiently convinced himself of this well known fact and seeing as Marie-Escamilla-Carmencita-_Merde_-Valjeaniqua-Leanne-Suzette de Quanidoaifjdle made no move towards the door, he called a huddle with the Amis minus shell-of-a-man Feuilly whom had found a chair and was sitting in it, looking dead behind the eyes as he had before.

"Maybe if we ignore her, she'll go away. Telling her to make herself scarce isn't working." Courfeyrac said as he cast a worried glance over his shoulder, the whole 'impregnated with no contact' had entirely. Freaked. Him. Out.

"Yes, reward the good, ignore the bad! Genius!" Combeferre whispered.

"What are you all talking about?" Marie-Escamilla-Carmencita-_Merde_-Valjeaniqua-Leanne-Suzette de Quanidoaifjdle asked in a whisper as she climbed over Jehan to stand in the middle of the circle. At her touch, Jehan's eyes immediately glazed over and he ceased to blink and think for himself.

Her question raised no response from the Amis.

"Pierre, my love, what's the matter." She was referring to Combeferre.

No one moved.

"Jacques? Raoul? Antoine? Gaston? Armand? Why won't you pay attention to me?" she cried… **again!** "I'm so tragic!"

"Oh my God, I'm so confused." L'aigle whispered bleakly. It was this time that Grantaire woke up from his drunken stupor.

"Who are you? Women ain't allowed in the backroom. Move along, lady." He drawled smiling at Enjolras for remembering the rule.

"You! You 'almost-raped' me in an alley!"

They shared another collected "Huh!?"

"No I didn't!"

"Enjolras protect me!"

"I must be really, really, really wasted."

"This is absurd! R wouldn't take advantage of anyone!" someone called, not Enjolras. She began to advance on him, grabbing a chair in which to bludgeon him on her way when…

"Stand back! Everyone step away from Marie-Escamilla-Carmencita-_Merde_-Valjeaniqua-Leanne-Suzette de Quanidoaifjdle!" Cried Part Time Barricade Boy Marius as he kicked in the door thus sending shell-of-a-man Fuielly flying out of his chair. Marius did not look like himself, in dark sunglasses, long, black leather trench coat with Junior Amis Member Gavroche at his side. The lovesick lawyer made a b-line to the woman and reached into his immense pockets (which were big enough to fit two baseball mitts) and pulled out a crucifix and holy water.

"Evil darkness," he grabbed her arm and put the crucifix on her smooth and perfect forehead, "I demand in the name of Christ our Savior that you tell me your name!" The Amis watched in utter horror and amazement as she spoke, "Mary. Sue!" she hissed.

"Then in the name of the Father!" he sprayed holy water on her, "The Son." Again, "And the Holy Spirit," and again, "I cast you and your brethren out of this world for eternity!"

The demon formally known as Marie-Escamilla-Carmencita-_Merde_-Valjeaniqua-Leanne-Suzette de Quanidoaifjdle who is presently known as Mary Sue writhed under the crucifix and Marius' gaze but remained.

"I repeat foul demon!" he twisted the cap off his holy water and splashed the entire bottle on her. "I expel you!"

"The power of Christ draws you back to hell!" Gavroche yelled, hitting her with his own crucifix. The Sue screamed and turned into a puddle of unsightly goo as she melted through the floor; undoubtedly back to the pits of hell.

The Amis looked on, astounded and more puzzled then ever.

"You're an exorcist?" Enjolras asked.

"I'm a lawyer, aren't I?" Marius smiled. He replaced his crucifix and holy water into his pockets and pulled his sunglasses onto the top of his forehead.

"How did you know what to do!?" Courfeyrac cried.

"You'd know too if you attended class."

"You knew her?" Joly asked politely

"She approached me earlier this morning and insisted she was my long lost sister then said she was my mother. I knew my mother was dead and I definitely didn't have a sister, so instinctively I knew it was an unclean, hell born demon. I pulled out my crucifix and she ran. I'd of followed her, but I was unprepared."

"But why did you bring Gavroche?" Grantaire asked roughtly.

"He loves violence."

The Part Time Exorcist and Barricade Boy Marius looked directly in shells-of-men Jehan and Feuilly's direction. "Stand back everyone, I have to fix this." He walked serenely to them and laid his hands on their heads.

"Oh, poor lost lambs of the Lord, our God. I say to thee that you are no longer under the Sue's power and I command thee to walk!"

Nothing happened.

"Come on, Marius, you can do it!" Courfeyrac encouraged, eager to see what would happen.

"Umm. Here we go." He clunked their heads together, "Feeling better?"

"Marius, you dumb gink! Why'd you do that!?" Feuilly said as he rubbed his head. Jehan looked about the Amis with clear eyes. "My work here is finished." Marius put his sunglasses back on his face and walked heroically out the door.

"I'll be damned."

**French you need to know- Cheveux Rousse et le yeux vert is red hair and green eyes.**

**Je presente ma soeur- I present my sister… NOTE! I have purposely written bad French in some places. It almost made me wanna jump off a bridge.**

**Today I'm going to teach you how to make last name for you Sue. First, start typing a phrase in another language, I started typing Quando Men Vo instead I hit the i on accident making Quanido and then I hit a few random keys. And that is how you make a ridiculous name for you sue. For a first name, using your own is popular, but you may also choose exotic and wierd names such as Carmencita or Escamilla (cookie if you get the reference). She must have 7 or more to be considered a Super-Sue. **


End file.
